I Am a Published Author!!!

I never would believe it, if I didn't have a copy of the book in my hand! I have always dreamed of publishing a children's book. In fact, it was part of my bucket list. I started writing my book as a short story for a creative writing class I was taking at UAA a few years back. Once my story started to come together, I started thinking "Man this would be a good book idea!"

Once it got into my head, that Irigak would be a published piece, I began editing and changing the story and adding bits and pieces here and there. I emailed local publishing companies. Only one got back to me with suggestions about my story. I waited another year and got restless. I wanted my book published. I also wanted illustrations so I started asking around, but potential artists had other projects they were working on or were too busy. So, my book is without illustrations, but still a great read!

Getting published has proved to be quite the task. I got busy with life and raising kids. I gave birth to Cassidy two years ago, so taking care of a new baby became my top priority. It also took a lot of my time and energy to work full-time, take classes, and take care of a baby. With everything going on in my life and no word from publishing companies, I gave up hope in my dream. Because I didn't hear back from publishers, I forgot about my story.

Then one day, my computer started acting up, so I started to clean up old files and came across Irigak. I decided it was time to do something with it. I began searching for self-publishing websites and tweaked my story again until I was satisfied with it. Irigak was definitely not something I came up with overnight. It was work, but there is a sense of accomplishment that will always stay with me. I, Amber Cunningham, a small-town girl from Unalakleet, Alaska published an Alaskan children's book. Now, that is something to be proud of.

My advice to you readers is to never give up on your dreams. Life is too short to live without fully giving your all in everything you do. If you want to publish a book, make it happen. If you want to travel the world, do it! Don't worry about the expense. You will not regret your decisions.

The Sea Stole You From Us

Four months have passed since the day that you two were found at Golsovia. I remember the day all too clearly. I was helping my mother-in-law plant her garden when I got a phone call saying that several search-and-rescue crews were heading down the coast to look for you. Even surrounding villages gathered crews to help out.

We kept telling ourselves that you parked your boat next to land to wait out the storm. We even thought you two were trying to walk back to town… that maybe the motor broke down. There was nothing that could stop our worrying. We knew that if anyone was a master of the sea, it was you. How could the sea take you away from us? We thought it was impossible, but I guess it could happen to anyone.

When search-and-rescue brought your body home, I felt like we had been punched in the stomach. I couldn’t believe it. We all cried for weeks on end. I am sorry I don’t visit your grave. It just hurts too much. I will make my way over there before snow falls.

It has been four months, but the tears still flow like a waterfall. Memories seep from the back of my mind. I keep going to gram’s house with hopes that you will be sitting in your same spot at the far end of the couch. You would jump right up and come and grab Cassidy from my arms and offer her a lollipop or some other treat. Now, she is starting to forget you, and it makes me sad. I show her a picture of you and tell her, “There’s Uncle Peter” with hopes to keep you in her memories.

Gram is so strong. She still mentions you a lot. When Cassidy and I visit her she tells me, “Peter would have washed her face,” because she always has a dirty face. My mom started cooking breakfast. I remember it was always you making breakfast. Guess somebody has to take over that duty.  

No matter how long it has been, the pain still lingers. I keep kicking myself in the butt for not spending time with you. I keep asking myself, “Why didn’t you just stay and watch that video he wanted to show you?” “Why didn’t you stake him at bingo?” “Why didn’t you share more cinnamon rolls with Uncle Peter?” “Why didn’t you buy a steak when he offered to cook it?”

Why did God have to take you? Why didn’t we get the chance to say goodbye? You were still so young and your grandchildren hardly got to know you. I am sure Rachel and Tami will teach them what you taught them, but it will not be the same. They needed you. I need you.

I have not been out the ocean since it took you from us. For weeks it was hard to even look at it. Reuben wanted to go down to Golsovia to moose hunt since we were not having luck here, but I just could not do it. Hopefully by next spring, I will forgive the ocean. One day I will make peace with it and will visit Golsovia. Living by the ocean is tough because it never fails to remind me how we lost you. 

My throat hurts as I type this. It is a different type of pain: a heartbreak that I have never felt before. I am tired of crying for you. I pray that one day we will meet again. I pray that you are watching over your kids and grandkids daily. Save us all a spot in Heaven and give our family hugs for us.

P.S. I never got the chance to tell you that I loved you. I do love you and always will. Thank you for being a part of my life. 

Behind the Lipsense

Behind this Lipsense-covered smile is a girl suffering from low self-esteem and depression.

Behind the makeup-laden eyes is a girl who cries every night wondering why she is not good enough.

Behind closed doors is a girl who is dying inside: a girl who needs the appreciation and love of her husband. A girl who needs to be told she is beautiful and no other girl compares to her.

In the bedroom, she sits alone. She closes out the world. She wishes she could turn back time and reverse the wrinkles, stretch marks, and white hairs.

She wishes she could be carefree once more. She wishes she could be someone that somebody could look up to. She wishes that she could be a better parent.

She has big dreams, but doesn’t have the drive to make them happen.

All she sees is her imperfections. No matter how hard she works or pretties herself up, she is never good enough.

College degrees don’t mean a thing. A pound lost is nothing to her. A new dress, even if it compliments her complexion also cannot change her thoughts.

I am the girl that always doubts herself. The girl that always compares herself to other girls.

To feel lonely when you are alone is one thing, but to feel lonely when you are married is another. It’s on another level. It is a feeling that you just cannot overcome. You feel like you are unworthy of being loved.

You may not see all of this by looking at me, but this is what I feel on a daily basis. I look in the mirror and see nothing but imperfections. I am imperfect. I struggle with my self-image and feelings. One day I hope to rise above all of this self-hate. One day, I hope to forget that I ever felt this way about myself. One day will happen… I hope sooner than later.

A Summer to Remember

This summer was filled with plenty of outdoor activities as well as happy and sad events. On June 13^th, my uncle Peter and cousin, Justin, were found deceased at Golsovia. They were heading towards St. Michael for the king salmon opener. When they did not return after a couple days, a search and rescue team formed in St. Michael as well as Unalakleet. Needless to say, we have been grieving since. Our hearts ache because it was such a tragic event and we never got to say goodbye. I have been listening to the same song that Peter showed me just weeks before his sudden death. I have even learned the words in memory of him. Every so often I think of a memory of him and break down in tears, then I ask God to please take him up to Heaven so my family can see him again. 

Peter was quite the hunter/provider. He was always setting whale nets, salmon nets, trout nets, going out bird hunting and sharing his catches with elders and other neighboring communities. Every time I went to my gram's house, he had to stop me and show me some funny video or meme on Facebook. My gram's house always smelled like breakfast in the mornings. He sure liked his pancakes, bacon, and fried eggs. I sure will miss him. Rest in peace uncle.

Peter and his beluga catch

On a brighter note, this summer has provided us with a full freezer. We have many gallons of salmonberries and blueberries, filleted silver salmon, salmon strips, dried fish, and canned fish. This was my first year doing canned salmon without guidance of a professional canner. My mom and I canned some silver strips and they turned out really good.

Sleepy berrypicker

I also learned how to make homemade jelly. My grandma liked it so much that she wanted another batch. I didn’t realize how easy it was. I will definitely be making more sometime in the near future.

We did a whole lot of fishing this summer.

But you said it was a "pink salmon"! :P

Cassie learned to reel in her rod

One of the highlights of this summer was when my family and I were up at Sauyak fishing. My daughter, Cassidy (2 years-old) was fishing and she lost her fishing rod and I miraculously caught her line 45-minutes later. We thought for sure her rod was long gone. I felt a tug at my line so I thought I had a fish on. I began reeling and saw my hook, but there was no fish, only a line so I reeled in and began pulling the line. It was Cassidy’s rod!!!! We were so shocked and excited that we didn’t need to order a new Ugly Stick from Amazon. Once I pulled in the rod, I began reeling and felt a tug. Sure enough there was a silver salmon on her line. No wonder she lost her rod! It is one of those stories that you don’t believe if you weren’t there. So, Cassidy, at 2-years of age caught her very first silver salmon! She is a village girl for sure. Mom and Dad were so proud and will share her story with her when she is older.

Cassidy's very first silver salmon!!!

We enjoyed most of our summer. It was a hot one. In June, we went bridge jumping, canoeing, and fishing. I got the tannest I have ever been. Even my uncle, Arley, was amazed. He asked me how I got tanner than him. I told him I just went berry picking and fishing. ;P

Also, Keane got braces earlier this month. At first he wasn’t excited at all. He kept asking why he had to get them. Then it came time to put them on and he got to choose a color. He asked the orthodontist if he looked cool. He DOES look pretty cool! He was a good patient so they finished putting the braces on an hour sooner than they expected. 

 

Suffice to say, it was a summer to remember.  💗💗💗💗

Leave a Mark

Go ahead and leave a mark… not on my window or mirror, but on the world.

You are young. Go out and pursue your passions. I am talking to you young men and women who are still living with your parents at the age of 25. I am talking to you young boys playing video games all hours of the day and night rather than seeking job opportunities that will greatly improve your life. I’m talking to you late-night partiers, who nobody is sure where you get the money to buy your high. I’m talking to you! Yes, you! You just graduated from high school. Now what? Mom and dad or grandparents will not be around forever to take care of you. Maybe one day you will have kids of your own and you will have to learn to take care of them and pay for their clothing, food and other expenses. How will you do that without a job?

If your excuse is that there are NO job opportunities in your village, then GET OUT! Yes, there is a way! There are scholarships. There are internships. There are even loans to get your way paid to a place where you can apply for jobs. One day you will return and MAKE job opportunities for future generations.

Make use of your youthful mind and body. Don’t let them weaken without mileage. Use your mistakes as learning experiences rather than as a standard of living. If you go to jail for something, make sure it doesn’t happen again. Tell yourself you are better than that. Encourage others not to make the same mistakes.

You are middle-aged. Work hard and raise your children right. Set good examples for the youth in your community. Be the best version of yourself so your children will have big shoes to fill. Reflect on your younger years with smiles and no regrets. If you have not gotten things together yet, it is not too late. 

Love yourself. You may begin to fret over those white hairs or eye wrinkles that welcome themselves more and more each day, but remember they happen to the best of us. 

You may start to feel worn out after a long, hard day at work, but your body has not fully given up on you. Don’t give up on it. Fuel it up with good foods and exercise regularly.

You are an elder. Leave your knowledge with the younger generations. Times are changing. We will forget our heritage, if not for you. Teach us to cut fish, to take care of oogruk, to read the river's channel, to dance, and to subsist. Speak to your children and grandchildren with the native tongue that your parents spoke to you with. Teach us how life was back before electricity and the internet. Show us REAL survival. If you do this, we will pass on hard work and love for others, as well as ourselves. Teach us what really MATTERS.

Take that cruise that you could never afford or make time for in your younger years. Visit your bucket list and cross things off left and right. Don’t make excuses.  

  

No matter what your age, leave a mark! Life is too short to play video games all day. Life is too short to dwell on what could have been. Why waste time thinking about that when “what is to be” is happening right now? Life goes on, with or without you. Be remembered as someone who left a mark on everyone: someone who inspired, someone who stood up for higher education, someone who stood up for domestic violence, someone who took care of sick people, a foster parent, a shoulder to cry on, a revitalizer of traditional values, etc, etc, etc.

You may never realize your value to your community if you don’t go out and seek opportunity. Go out and leave your mark. Leave it high! Leave it low! Smear it for all to see! Perhaps, your mark may save a life or a whole community, for that matter. 

The Ugliness of the World

There is so much evil in this world today. I’m not saying that evil is a new thing. I’m just saying that now that I am older, I am able to empathize with what the rest of the world is going through. Coming from a small town in Alaska, we don’t see the ugliness that other countries do. We also don’t see as much crime as bigger cities in our state (Anchorage). The news gives us a glimpse, but the actual events of the world are too surreal.

We don’t fear for our lives and our children’s lives each and every day like the people in Syria and Africa. We don’t have to worry about our government attacking us with chemical weapons. Our children are safe.

In America, our fight is with drugs, murder, homelessness, disagreements between political parties, oil and suicide. People are killing one another over drugs. Why? People are taking their own lives while under the influence of alcohol and drugs. Why? Is their life so horrible that they should selfishly take it from the ones they love? Why must we fight over oil and power? There are more important things in life… like loving one another.

I hurt for people living in countries where they are not free to be who they are. It is still unbelievable that there are places where people are beheaded for smoking a cigarette or killed for not covering their face. I ache for the starving people in North Korea and Africa. I pray for the countries that kill people just for being homosexual.

People in Sudan are being murdered, exterminated, raped, and tortured by their own government. In Uzbekistan, the president has been known for cruel torture techniques such as boiling political prisoners to death. Many Islamic states still practice lethal stoning and beheading in public. Can you imagine your child watching and growing up around this?

We complain about our educational system being subpar, yet millions of children across the globe are not even given the opportunity to go to school. We complain about having substandard healthcare when many people throughout the world die from having NO healthcare. We complain that we do not want to eat certain foods when people in other countries are starving to death. In North Korea, almost a million people die each year from starvation! 

Women, in many countries are suppressed. They cannot vote. They cannot wear clothes that they want. They must cover their faces. Some cannot drive cars. Women in the United States have it good. I can run for president of my native corporation or for POTUS… not that I want to, but I CAN!

In the United States, we are free. Men and women have the same rights. We can all vote. We can all work. We are all protected by the law and are not suppressed by the government. We have running water, electricity, heat, cars, technology, healthcare, and an inclusive educational system.

The things that I worry about are so trivial compared to what is going on in the world. While I worry about my outward appearance (weight gain, how my clothes fit, the length of my hair, etc), others worry about whether they will survive into the morning. When my water was down for two weeks, I complained that life was so hard. Many countries probably have never had running water. When the internet is slow, we start to freak out and don’t know what to do, when in countries like North Korea, they don’t even know that the internet exists.

Our people need a wake-up call. We need to be grateful for what we have and for the country we live in. We may not be perfect, but we fare better than the majority of the world.

With all the ugliness in the world, we need to focus on the beauty around us. We need to love one another. I look at my children and I see the beauty in life. When I go out in the country, I am reminded that God has created everything and has a plan for each and every one of us. This world is an ugly place, but we can make it beautiful by showing compassion towards one another. If you ever start thinking that your life is hard, remind yourself that someone, somewhere in this world wishes he/she were in your shoes instead.

Iditarod Fun!

With the Iditarod in full swing, all of us on the trail before Nome have been tracking the mushers and trying to figure out when the first mushers will arrive. Many of us secretly hope that somebody (anybody) besides Dallas Seavey or Mitch Seavey wins this year. I am personally rooting for Martin Buser and Aliy Zirkle: Martin because he has been one of the longest mushing racers and is so friendly and Aliy because she is a strong female role model for all women and has a dog named Amber! 

Cassidy greeted Martin Buser at the Unalakleet checkpoint

Every now and then I check the GPS tracker to see who is where and whether my racers are resting or running. I keep imagining the stories each musher must have from past Iditarod’s and this year’s race. This winter, there have been so many frigid cold days and I feel terrible for the mushers and their dogs who are in interior Alaska. At one point the temperatures in the interior were down to -30 degrees Fahrenheit. Can somebody say, “frost bite”? Ouch!

Several mushers are in Huslia taking their mandatory 24-hour layover. We expect that the leaders of the pack will be making their way into Unalakleet sometime Saturday evening or Sunday morning. Unfortunately my family and I will not be here when the first mushers arrive. We are heading into Anchorage tomorrow until Monday to do some shopping and possibly looking at snowmachines. But there will still be a bunch of racers coming through Monday, so we won’t miss the whole experience.

Everybody gets hyped up about Iditarod mushers coming into town. I mean, these people are amazing! Not everybody can do what they do. Mushing a dog team across thousands of miles of Alaskan terrain all alone and in terribly cold, windy weather does not sound appealing to me. So, I have a lot of respect for the mushers.

At this point in the race, it is hard to tell who will win the race. Many mushers have yet to take their 24-hour layover and some have not taken their 8-hour layover. Those that have taken their layovers, will still take short layovers on the trail before reaching Unalakleet, so it seems we will not get a clear picture of who will win, until after the mushers reach the coast.

Mitch is resting in Huslia. Dallas and Martin are making their way up to Huslia. Jessie Royer, who is also another likely contender is resting in Huslia. The race is getting to be exciting! Can’t wait to see who has what it takes to win. Go team Buser and team Aliy!

Insecurities

I am my own worst critic. Everyday, I look in the mirror and notice all of the imperfections (my nose, my teeth, my pores, my unruly hair, my white hairs, wrinkles, my stretch marks, etc). People tell me, “You’re so pretty!” and in the moment it makes me feel good, but not long after, I focus my attention again on my imperfections. I hyper-focus my attention on whether I gain a pound or two. Then I get bogged down and start feeling ugly.

I push myself to do things in life. I pushed myself through college. I pushed myself to get a good job. I try to remind myself that I have a purpose in life. What is it though? Why do I hate myself so? Why can’t I love myself for who I am? Why do I always compare myself to others? Is there something wrong with me?

Over the years I have worked to improve my appearance. I grew out my hair. I started using facial lotion to prevent new wrinkles from forming. I wear make-up so I don’t look as tired. I lost a bunch of weight. I bought myself new clothes. But this just masks the problem. Am I blind? What else can there be wrong with me? I want to believe I am beautiful, but society says to be beautiful you must have the perfect skin, teeth, and body. I am far from perfect.

Everyday I struggle with this anxiety and depression, yet nobody knows because I keep it to myself. I know I am not alone in this arena. I know other girls who feel the same way. I just wish there were an easy way to gain our confidence back. This depression gets in the way of my livelihood. I get snappy at others. I am not the best mother, wife, and friend because of my issues.

Is there a magical pill that will change our thoughts about ourselves? Can somebody please put a spell on me so I can see what others see? I just want to see my worth. I want to be my best person so I can make others happy. I do not want to be my own worst critic anymore. I know that God created me perfectly in his eyes. I just need these horrible thoughts that I am not good enough to just go away.

This is the most real blog I have ever written. For those of you who struggle with insecurities like I do, I pray that you are able to love yourself and find comfort in knowing that God made you perfectly in his eyes. We are all unique. We are not uniform. What we see as imperfections, God sees as his artwork.