Behind the Lipsense

Behind this Lipsense-covered smile is a girl suffering from low self-esteem and depression.

Behind the makeup-laden eyes is a girl who cries every night wondering why she is not good enough.

Behind closed doors is a girl who is dying inside: a girl who needs the appreciation and love of her husband. A girl who needs to be told she is beautiful and no other girl compares to her.

In the bedroom, she sits alone. She closes out the world. She wishes she could turn back time and reverse the wrinkles, stretch marks, and white hairs.

She wishes she could be carefree once more. She wishes she could be someone that somebody could look up to. She wishes that she could be a better parent.

She has big dreams, but doesn’t have the drive to make them happen.

All she sees is her imperfections. No matter how hard she works or pretties herself up, she is never good enough.

College degrees don’t mean a thing. A pound lost is nothing to her. A new dress, even if it compliments her complexion also cannot change her thoughts.

I am the girl that always doubts herself. The girl that always compares herself to other girls.

To feel lonely when you are alone is one thing, but to feel lonely when you are married is another. It’s on another level. It is a feeling that you just cannot overcome. You feel like you are unworthy of being loved.

You may not see all of this by looking at me, but this is what I feel on a daily basis. I look in the mirror and see nothing but imperfections. I am imperfect. I struggle with my self-image and feelings. One day I hope to rise above all of this self-hate. One day, I hope to forget that I ever felt this way about myself. One day will happen… I hope sooner than later.

Insecurities

I am my own worst critic. Everyday, I look in the mirror and notice all of the imperfections (my nose, my teeth, my pores, my unruly hair, my white hairs, wrinkles, my stretch marks, etc). People tell me, “You’re so pretty!” and in the moment it makes me feel good, but not long after, I focus my attention again on my imperfections. I hyper-focus my attention on whether I gain a pound or two. Then I get bogged down and start feeling ugly.

I push myself to do things in life. I pushed myself through college. I pushed myself to get a good job. I try to remind myself that I have a purpose in life. What is it though? Why do I hate myself so? Why can’t I love myself for who I am? Why do I always compare myself to others? Is there something wrong with me?

Over the years I have worked to improve my appearance. I grew out my hair. I started using facial lotion to prevent new wrinkles from forming. I wear make-up so I don’t look as tired. I lost a bunch of weight. I bought myself new clothes. But this just masks the problem. Am I blind? What else can there be wrong with me? I want to believe I am beautiful, but society says to be beautiful you must have the perfect skin, teeth, and body. I am far from perfect.

Everyday I struggle with this anxiety and depression, yet nobody knows because I keep it to myself. I know I am not alone in this arena. I know other girls who feel the same way. I just wish there were an easy way to gain our confidence back. This depression gets in the way of my livelihood. I get snappy at others. I am not the best mother, wife, and friend because of my issues.

Is there a magical pill that will change our thoughts about ourselves? Can somebody please put a spell on me so I can see what others see? I just want to see my worth. I want to be my best person so I can make others happy. I do not want to be my own worst critic anymore. I know that God created me perfectly in his eyes. I just need these horrible thoughts that I am not good enough to just go away.

This is the most real blog I have ever written. For those of you who struggle with insecurities like I do, I pray that you are able to love yourself and find comfort in knowing that God made you perfectly in his eyes. We are all unique. We are not uniform. What we see as imperfections, God sees as his artwork.