I am my own worst critic. Everyday, I look in the mirror and
notice all of the imperfections (my nose, my teeth, my pores, my unruly hair,
my white hairs, wrinkles, my stretch marks, etc). People tell me, “You’re so
pretty!” and in the moment it makes me feel good, but not long after, I focus
my attention again on my imperfections. I hyper-focus my attention on whether I
gain a pound or two. Then I get bogged down and start feeling ugly.
I push myself to do things in life. I pushed myself through
college. I pushed myself to get a good job. I try to remind myself that I have
a purpose in life. What is it though? Why do I hate myself so? Why can’t I love
myself for who I am? Why do I always compare myself to others? Is there
something wrong with me?
Over the years I have worked to improve my appearance. I
grew out my hair. I started using facial lotion to prevent new wrinkles from
forming. I wear make-up so I don’t look as tired. I lost a bunch of weight. I
bought myself new clothes. But this just masks the problem. Am I blind? What
else can there be wrong with me? I want to believe I am beautiful, but society
says to be beautiful you must have the perfect skin, teeth, and body. I am far
from perfect.
Everyday I struggle with this anxiety and depression, yet
nobody knows because I keep it to myself. I know I am not alone in this arena.
I know other girls who feel the same way. I just wish there were an easy way to
gain our confidence back. This depression gets in the way of my livelihood. I
get snappy at others. I am not the best mother, wife, and friend because of my
issues.
Is there a magical pill that will change our thoughts about
ourselves? Can somebody please put a spell on me so I can see what others see?
I just want to see my worth. I want to be my best person so I can make others
happy. I do not want to be my own worst critic anymore. I know that God created
me perfectly in his eyes. I just need these horrible thoughts
that I am not good enough to just go away.
This is the most real blog I have ever written. For those of
you who struggle with insecurities like I do, I pray that you are able to love
yourself and find comfort in knowing that God made you perfectly in his eyes.
We are all unique. We are not uniform. What we see as imperfections, God sees
as his artwork.
